This is so me; I am currently sitting in my grandparents’ dining room, a classy, elegant but dimly lit room, with a beautiful bouquet of flowers before me in a crystal vase. My books are spread across the table, my tea and honey next to me, AirPods in my ears. Sitting back in a fancy chair, thinking about the past. Isn’t it weird how thinking about the past is so hurtful, physically painful! But still so comforting. Why? What is that about?
I am sitting here, very movie-like, knowing that your silence is the biggest, most extravagant response I ever got out of you. I keep checking if your ‘do not disturb’ mode is on, I have absolutely no idea why. I do have an idea: I am fighting for breadcrumbs. Seeing you turn your notifications off makes me feel like I saw that part of your day, as if that was some sort of contact I had with you.
But it isn’t just about you anymore. Sitting here, it is also about the friends I lost. My very best friends. Or the most awkward, weird, disturbing moments in my life. Overthinking, rethinking, wishing, regretting, I guess that’s what this moment is about. I feel you are now officially in my past, and it makes me very anxious. It’s like I associate you with something, I don’t know what, and now I get anxious about that part of my life leaving.
I really miss my friends. The past few months have gone so fast and although I knew I missed them, now, when everything is quiet and still, it hits me again. The loss of their friendship hits me again, all over. I get so insecure thinking about it. I miss how I could be myself around them, I miss the confessions, I miss crying with laughter, I miss making plans and setting goals with my best friends. Being delusional together and manifesting everything we could ever desire. You guys know how I feel about Beer Boy, but I would give him up in a split second for a chance to turn back time and make it so that we never grew apart, ever.
December is such a weird month. Everything is so cozy and festive. Champagne and oysters, Christmas markets, spending time with family, and Christmas lights and decorations everywhere! Yet, it is the most lonely and deepest time of the year. Could it be because there is so much quiet that you actually have to feel your feelings this time of year?
I pray, I wish and I desperately hope that this time December and January go differently. I hope I wake up tomorrow and forget all about my old friends, Beer Boy, and the awkward and weird things I did throughout my life. Well, I don’t wish to forget it, I wish to wake up and have peace with it all. I hope I wake up and see life through the same light I was seeing it three weeks ago. I hope I wake up happy, I hope I wake up and all the melancholy feelings just leave my soul. Melancholy, what a bittersweet feeling. In my opinion, one of the most beautiful feelings known to man. Still, I wish to never feel it again; it goes too deep into the soul.
I should be studying, or going to bed. It’s past 1 am. I could cry. My life is so not what I expected it to be at my age. I have more peace with that now than a few months ago, but still. I have no idea what I am doing, honestly. I feel like I am going through life rather than living it, do you understand? It’s not even that I want to cry about, it’s just the moment. I want to cry about how I keep getting flashbacks from past Decembers, about how I managed to lose my best friends and about how we still haven’t found our way back to each other. I want to cry about how I spent so much time and energy on Beer Boy, how much I hate him and how much I want him to text me and then keep texting me. I want to cry about how much I love the song that’s playing.
I really try to not let myself touch the delicate feeling of depression or just melancholy. It’s too easy to fall back into the spiral. But let me for a moment speak my mind, free of fear. I am scared of hearing myself think. I am scared of missing my friends like I missed them this summer. I am so scared of feeling left out. I hate that for me, feeling left out is the worst feeling. I am scared that this December will probably look a lot like the others before. I am scared of missing, missing out, missing people, losing myself and then missing my old self. I am scared of being alone with just me because what if I haven’t gotten over this summer? What if I am not as over it as I thought? What if I go to that place again? I have been ignoring myself, going through life as best as I know how but I am terrified of finding out just how happy I am in life right now. I just don’t know how I am ever getting out of this feeling.
That’s enough overthinking for today. Jeez! It must be that damn season…
Xo SL
The Thoughts 
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