Currently, my main goal is to survive the coming two months. I know it is possible because I am in a much better place than I was in the past few years. Mentally, I’m probably the strongest I’ve ever been (except maybe when I was aged 12-18; I was afraid of nothing and everything was afraid of me). Okay, so maybe not the strongest I’ve ever been, but I’m good. I have identified my patterns and know that I really need to take care of myself during exam seasons. I get so existential!
If you’ve read even one of my blog posts, you know I’m going through it. I do have to say, to interrupt myself, I am doing much better when it comes to Beer Boy! I still think about him daily, check if his ‘do not disturb’ mode is on, see when he was last active on WhatsApp. I still fantasize about him texting me or showing up at my home confessing his love. But I’m doing much better!
So, I’m going through it, my family is going through it, my friends are also going through it. We’re all going through it, essentially. But how do we manage ourselves and our lives in a positive way when everywhere we turn people are depressed, hopeless, negative, or just going through a horrific period in life?
I try to be there for everyone in any way that I can. But the last few weeks I found myself getting too sucked into the sadness to the point where I just can’t seem to escape it. Of course, you have to be there for family and friends. Nothing is more important. But I felt myself going back to a scary place, and that’s when the alarm bells rang. So, to repeat the question: How do we manage ourselves and our lives while going through a very complicated, sad time in life?
I feel incredibly selfish saying this, but I realized I cannot be in hospitals all day, I cannot listen to people cry all day, and I cannot be there for everyone all the time. I go right back into survival mode when I try to do this. I try being the positive in people’s lives, I try bringing a sense of ‘normal’ in abnormal situations. I try listening a lot, I care for people, and I go right into mommy mode. Now, I just try and do it in pieces.
Lately, I have also been repeating to myself to not take myself so seriously. Just breathe and feel. When I miss Beer Boy, I should just miss him and sit with that feeling. When I am rethinking my entire life because I miss my old friends, I should just go through it. Feel the hurt, the disappointment, the shame, the embarrassment, the absolute tragedy of losing your best friends. I should just damn feel it, let it in.
I will never feel like I am living my life when I keep shutting out what life is about: feeling, experiencing. Being human is about having emotions, feeling raw; we should all feel our emotions more raw, damnit. Being alive is about the adventure, the adventure of pain, of disappointment, the adventure of love and passion and earth-shattering heartbreak. Life is about feeling your soul being physically ripped in two one day, and seeing the most beautiful sunset ever the next. Life is grieving the most loving, special, most unique human being ever and wondering how you are ever going to live again without them. And then being on the most breathtaking beach ever, feeling one with the ocean, thinking about how grateful you are to celebrate that person’s life, how grateful you are to miss them, and how grateful you are knowing their spirit won’t ever leave you. Life is about crying on the floor, hurting in your lungs, wondering how you are ever getting over this situationship breakup, and then getting up and writing your first blog post. Life is about making a fool out of yourself, then trying to achieve something cool to make up for it. Life is about playing music way too loud in your headphones. Life is messy, life is chaos, life is happiness, life is tragic, life is everything it is not supposed to be and life is more beautiful than we remember.
Life is remembering what life is about, having it all click at a random moment. Then going back to living as you know it, and forgetting what life is all about.
It’s our choice though, and I hope I will keep choosing to feel alive.
My Christmas present to you: make a playlist of the songs that make you feel most vulnerable, songs you usually skip because they make you feel too much. Then go and watch a sunset with that playlist playing. We could all use some remembering what life is about in December. You know, since it’s that damn season.
Happy living, skinny legend
The Thoughts 
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