The Thoughts

Tag: detachment

  • Bye-bye, Beer Boy: the end of an era (I hope)

    Instead of keeping them in my notes app, I will be publishing my letters (I’ll never send) to you on the internet from now on. Gotta love the 21st century.

    Yesterday, I spent the entire day thinking about you. Walking out of your place, our weird and cold goodbye. It’s like you didn’t even care it was the last time we would be together. I told you, didn’t I? That that was the last time?

    I cannot wrap my mind around the fact you did not text or call me after I left. Honestly, I very naively thought it would finally be different this time. Because I told you how I felt, I told you everything I have always wanted to tell you to your face. Why are you not obsessed with me? Weirdo.

    Next week, or next semester, you’ll probably text me again in the middle of the night, hoping to come over. I really hope I’m over you by the time you try to contact me again. You never actually leave, do you? It’s very much never over with us.

    But this time is not like last, I told you this. I will have to get over you, again. It will hurt a lot, again. My heart will ache, again. I might cry, again. But not like last time, or the time before, or the time before that one. This time I am moving on. Not only am I moving on, I am ‘levelling up’. I will not make my life be about you anymore. This is too sad. I have too much potential. I am too smart and too kind. I come from a good background, am a very capable person. And I am (obviously) as hot as they come. I will not waste myself, or my life, for you. You mediocre, dumb, tragic piece of beer. (He drinks a lot of beer, like a lot a lot.)

    I don’t want to date anymore. The last few years I have wanted a boyfriend so bad! The idea of having a partner to go through life with was my dream, all I could think about. But, I honestly despise that idea right now. My life has been so much about you. Now I really want to live my life for myself. Make my dreams and ambitions happen and come to life. Who would have known it’s harder to move on and get your life back together than it is to get a new boyfriend?

    This is the best time to really work on myself and my life because it’s the holidays! I have exams to focus on, presents to open, family to be with. It’s the time of year where you can come back to your roots, take a breath and just be yourself with your family and close friends. It’s THE time to prioritize your family, your rest, your studies. Also the best time for a new wardrobe and making a Christmas Wishlist to die for. Going for a run in between studying, study dates with friends, a good self-care evening after studying your brains out all day—that’s the vibe I’m manifesting for the coming two months.

    After the exams, I am going on a fancy trip with my dad where we will be celebrating my amazing grades. Oh how I love being a rich kid (sorry not sorry).

    I really hope that after all this, I will finally be over you once and for all. I don’t want to live my life for you anymore; I want to live it for my own happiness. I wish you cared about what you do to me and how you make me feel. Maybe then you would finally leave me alone. Now, every time we stop talking it’s just a matter of which night you choose to call me. I cannot imagine never picking up again, so I hope you care this time. I hope you finally have enough respect for me to never contact me again.

    That said, if Santa was real, I would only ask for one last chance for us—where we both give it our all and see what our love story was supposed to be.

    Happy December to my three readers out there!

    Xo skinny legend

  • My last midnight confession to you

    Yesterday my therapist was telling me how proud she was. Yesterday we were celebrating me finally coming to my senses about, you guessed it, a guy. It felt like I finally turned the page and detached. Also yesterday I showed up, to said guy, in the middle of the night by his bed. Why do I do this? You tell me.

    So there I was, in the most stereotypical boys dorm room, waking him up. Obviously he was excited to see me, who wouldn’t be? But that’s the thing isn’t it, he is always excited to see me at night. When the sun comes back up and he returns to sober town, I fear he doesn’t like me as much. “This is the last time we will see each other,” I kept repeating. “I don’t want that, you don’t mean it,” he kept repeating. I know he doesn’t believe me, I have said this before. Yet I still end up in his arms when his schedule allows it.

    The circle of self-sabotage is what I call our relationship. Yes, I said relationship because I refuse to refer to this monumental, life-changing, soul-eating experience as a ‘situationship’. I did not go through the deepest points of life to then diminish my experience by not calling it what it is, a relationship. Not a romantic relationship, not a platonic relationship (obviously), not a situationship because it has never been just a ‘situation’. It has quite literally taken over my life, is my most talked about topic, my entire family knows about it, every person that has ever talked to me knows about it. This was never a ‘situationship’, this has always been a relationship.

    To continue my story time, he was excited to see me. So there we were, lying in his friend’s bed. I’m asking him what was missing, why he couldn’t see me as more than a midnight hookup for when he’s in town. Honestly, I cannot remember what his answer to this was but I think it’s safe to say it was nothing worth remembering. “This is it for us, we will never be anything more than nothing,” is obviously me trying to make him say what I want to hear. “Our story hasn’t begun yet, nothing is ending and everything is beginning,” yes he said this, (he actually really said this)! Why would I lie to a bunch of strangers? Lol. How I wish he meant what he said and how I wish I was still naive enough to believe it. Unfortunately, those words mean very little to me. Just between us girls, I’d rather have his words hurt me and make me sad, then what they do to me now; nothing. (I’m so Lana coded, right?!)

    He doesn’t know it yet, but this really is the end of our story. The last couple of years, I kept giving chances, I kept having hope because I made myself believe he didn’t know what I felt. I made myself believe he did not know enough to take action. Now, the words have been spoken, my feelings have been made clear. I was honest, I told him exactly what I wanted, what I wished for us. And I woke up in the exact same reality; magical nights that I over-romanticize and disappointing, face-slapping, soul-hurting mornings/days. Nothing changed. I showed all my cards, he knows how I feel and what I hope for.

    I have no more jokes, stories or little lies I want to tell him with the hope they make him fall in love with me. I have no more positions to try with the hope he cannot get enough of me. I have no more names to drop with the hope he will think I’m well connected and popular. There is nothing left for me to try. I have no more games to play.

    Two years, I spent believing there was a chance for us. I told everyone that the hope I felt came from my gut. That my intuition was just sure there would be a two sided love story. We may have not felt the same, but you felt something. I just know it. I refuse to believe I am that naive and I choose to believe in my intuition. We had a storyline, but I guess another one was more important and ours got benched. I still have a lot to say. I could keep talking to you about us. Oh how I hope you will miss me. I hope you miss me so bad you cry and your friends think you’re crazy. I hope you miss me so bad you cannot even look at another woman. I hope you dream about me, I hope I haunt your mind. I hope you keep my scarf and sleep with it (this is not a Taylor Swift All too well reference, I left my actual scarf there). I hope you become attached to it. I hope it represents something very emotional for you. I curse that you feel for me what I felt for you. Though I really mean what I write, I do want to tell you one last time, I’m sorry and I so wish I could start over for us.

    Wow got carried away for a moment, almost forgot im way too cool for him.

    So why did I do this? Still, no idea. You tell me.

    Skinny legend out