The Thoughts

Tag: relationships

  • Reminder: you will get over him

    It’s late, I should be sleeping. We didn’t sleep last night. Well, you did like always. I did not, also like always. You don’t need to stay awake. Because you don’t need to take in lying there with me. You don’t lie awake next to me, sad, because you know that in a few hours I’ll be gone again, and who knows when you’ll see me next. You don’t think like that, that’s me.

    That’s me, the girl still awake because I don’t want this day to end. I still hope to hear from you, and if I don’t hear from you today, our conversation really did not matter to you. Yes, this is me, with tears coming out of my eyes that could be because of a guy or just because her eyes are too damn dry from not sleeping.

    We probably won’t happen again. But at least I’ll have this memory. I will go on with my life, and I will live it so big and ambitious. I will give myself the life I deserve, and that is a life without you in it. I am made for so much more then crying over someone like you. Can’t you see that?

    6 June 2025:

    I wrote this part above in (begin) December 2024. Getting over Beer Boy was one of the most exhausting things I ever did in my life, because it was never about him.

    I’ve been through my fair share of life before I met Beer Boy. Long story short, my life has never, not once been easy for me. But somehow I was so emotionally damaged by this relationship. It felt like a gun shot to the soul, it physically hurt me, this stupid Beer Boy, this stupid simple boy quite literally crushed my soul.

    The most frustrating part about this is that he will always think and believe I was just so obsessed with him, that it was all about him. And that will probably feed his ego, a lot. Anyway, it was never about this simple boy. It was always about the complex girl, me.

    He represented everything I was insecure about, he validated every negative belief I’ve had since childhood. He represented my non-existent self-worth, self-love, confidence. I started to believe that situations like these were normal. That how he treated me was normal or there was an explanation that would always lead back to me, I was always the problem.

    And that was right. I was the problem, but not in a self critical way. It wasn’t my fault he treated me the way he did, he is a stupid selfish dumb person. It was my issue that I tolerated it.

    When I started analysing the deeper meaning and backstory of what this relationship represented for me, I started to understand myself and my feelings more. And the more you understand your feelings, the less you will resent yourself for feeling them. And the more you understand yourself, the more you will want to help yourself and take care of yourself.

    Almost three years I spent crashing out about this idiot. Never, ever did I think I would really, actually get over him or the situation. I kind of thought that I would go on with my life but I would always love him in a way and that it would always be a sensitive topic for me. I can tell you now, I am absolutely completely detached from him. And I forgive myself for all of it, for letting it last so long, for letting him back in, for forgiving him, for neglecting myself. I forgive myself for all of it because I understand where I came from, I understand why I felt that way.

    Btw, all that bullshit about ‘you’re only over someone when you have no ill feelings about them or it anymore’, is so not true. Like Taylor Swift herself said: you can move on without forgiving or forgetting. I think that is peak maturity. This idiot did horrible things to me, and while I don’t necessarily wish him anything bad I most certainly don’t wish him the best either! I just don’t care for him anymore.

    Anyway, whoever you are reading this, sometimes you’re so deep in a feeling or so deep in a situation that the light at the end of the tunnel seems like a black hole. I promise you, one day, you will get over it. That is a fact. And you owe it to yourself to stay strong and wait for the moment you start experiencing life without thinking about them. When you start experiencing life with only yourself on your mind and only yourself to really care for, that’s when you start to get it.

    If I got over Beer Boy, you can also get over your person. Just read my first few posts lol.

    Xo skinny legend out

  • Dear Life: Sometimes I forget to Live You

    Currently, my main goal is to survive the coming two months. I know it is possible because I am in a much better place than I was in the past few years. Mentally, I’m probably the strongest I’ve ever been (except maybe when I was aged 12-18; I was afraid of nothing and everything was afraid of me). Okay, so maybe not the strongest I’ve ever been, but I’m good. I have identified my patterns and know that I really need to take care of myself during exam seasons. I get so existential!

    If you’ve read even one of my blog posts, you know I’m going through it. I do have to say, to interrupt myself, I am doing much better when it comes to Beer Boy! I still think about him daily, check if his ‘do not disturb’ mode is on, see when he was last active on WhatsApp. I still fantasize about him texting me or showing up at my home confessing his love. But I’m doing much better!

    So, I’m going through it, my family is going through it, my friends are also going through it. We’re all going through it, essentially. But how do we manage ourselves and our lives in a positive way when everywhere we turn people are depressed, hopeless, negative, or just going through a horrific period in life?

    I try to be there for everyone in any way that I can. But the last few weeks I found myself getting too sucked into the sadness to the point where I just can’t seem to escape it. Of course, you have to be there for family and friends. Nothing is more important. But I felt myself going back to a scary place, and that’s when the alarm bells rang. So, to repeat the question: How do we manage ourselves and our lives while going through a very complicated, sad time in life?

    I feel incredibly selfish saying this, but I realized I cannot be in hospitals all day, I cannot listen to people cry all day, and I cannot be there for everyone all the time. I go right back into survival mode when I try to do this. I try being the positive in people’s lives, I try bringing a sense of ‘normal’ in abnormal situations. I try listening a lot, I care for people, and I go right into mommy mode. Now, I just try and do it in pieces.

    Lately, I have also been repeating to myself to not take myself so seriously. Just breathe and feel. When I miss Beer Boy, I should just miss him and sit with that feeling. When I am rethinking my entire life because I miss my old friends, I should just go through it. Feel the hurt, the disappointment, the shame, the embarrassment, the absolute tragedy of losing your best friends. I should just damn feel it, let it in.

    I will never feel like I am living my life when I keep shutting out what life is about: feeling, experiencing. Being human is about having emotions, feeling raw; we should all feel our emotions more raw, damnit. Being alive is about the adventure, the adventure of pain, of disappointment, the adventure of love and passion and earth-shattering heartbreak. Life is about feeling your soul being physically ripped in two one day, and seeing the most beautiful sunset ever the next. Life is grieving the most loving, special, most unique human being ever and wondering how you are ever going to live again without them. And then being on the most breathtaking beach ever, feeling one with the ocean, thinking about how grateful you are to celebrate that person’s life, how grateful you are to miss them, and how grateful you are knowing their spirit won’t ever leave you. Life is about crying on the floor, hurting in your lungs, wondering how you are ever getting over this situationship breakup, and then getting up and writing your first blog post. Life is about making a fool out of yourself, then trying to achieve something cool to make up for it. Life is about playing music way too loud in your headphones. Life is messy, life is chaos, life is happiness, life is tragic, life is everything it is not supposed to be and life is more beautiful than we remember.

    Life is remembering what life is about, having it all click at a random moment. Then going back to living as you know it, and forgetting what life is all about.

    It’s our choice though, and I hope I will keep choosing to feel alive.

    My Christmas present to you: make a playlist of the songs that make you feel most vulnerable, songs you usually skip because they make you feel too much. Then go and watch a sunset with that playlist playing. We could all use some remembering what life is about in December. You know, since it’s that damn season.

    Happy living, skinny legend

  • Bye-bye, Beer Boy: the end of an era (I hope)

    Instead of keeping them in my notes app, I will be publishing my letters (I’ll never send) to you on the internet from now on. Gotta love the 21st century.

    Yesterday, I spent the entire day thinking about you. Walking out of your place, our weird and cold goodbye. It’s like you didn’t even care it was the last time we would be together. I told you, didn’t I? That that was the last time?

    I cannot wrap my mind around the fact you did not text or call me after I left. Honestly, I very naively thought it would finally be different this time. Because I told you how I felt, I told you everything I have always wanted to tell you to your face. Why are you not obsessed with me? Weirdo.

    Next week, or next semester, you’ll probably text me again in the middle of the night, hoping to come over. I really hope I’m over you by the time you try to contact me again. You never actually leave, do you? It’s very much never over with us.

    But this time is not like last, I told you this. I will have to get over you, again. It will hurt a lot, again. My heart will ache, again. I might cry, again. But not like last time, or the time before, or the time before that one. This time I am moving on. Not only am I moving on, I am ‘levelling up’. I will not make my life be about you anymore. This is too sad. I have too much potential. I am too smart and too kind. I come from a good background, am a very capable person. And I am (obviously) as hot as they come. I will not waste myself, or my life, for you. You mediocre, dumb, tragic piece of beer. (He drinks a lot of beer, like a lot a lot.)

    I don’t want to date anymore. The last few years I have wanted a boyfriend so bad! The idea of having a partner to go through life with was my dream, all I could think about. But, I honestly despise that idea right now. My life has been so much about you. Now I really want to live my life for myself. Make my dreams and ambitions happen and come to life. Who would have known it’s harder to move on and get your life back together than it is to get a new boyfriend?

    This is the best time to really work on myself and my life because it’s the holidays! I have exams to focus on, presents to open, family to be with. It’s the time of year where you can come back to your roots, take a breath and just be yourself with your family and close friends. It’s THE time to prioritize your family, your rest, your studies. Also the best time for a new wardrobe and making a Christmas Wishlist to die for. Going for a run in between studying, study dates with friends, a good self-care evening after studying your brains out all day—that’s the vibe I’m manifesting for the coming two months.

    After the exams, I am going on a fancy trip with my dad where we will be celebrating my amazing grades. Oh how I love being a rich kid (sorry not sorry).

    I really hope that after all this, I will finally be over you once and for all. I don’t want to live my life for you anymore; I want to live it for my own happiness. I wish you cared about what you do to me and how you make me feel. Maybe then you would finally leave me alone. Now, every time we stop talking it’s just a matter of which night you choose to call me. I cannot imagine never picking up again, so I hope you care this time. I hope you finally have enough respect for me to never contact me again.

    That said, if Santa was real, I would only ask for one last chance for us—where we both give it our all and see what our love story was supposed to be.

    Happy December to my three readers out there!

    Xo skinny legend