The Thoughts

Tag: writing

  • Reminder: you will get over him

    It’s late, I should be sleeping. We didn’t sleep last night. Well, you did like always. I did not, also like always. You don’t need to stay awake. Because you don’t need to take in lying there with me. You don’t lie awake next to me, sad, because you know that in a few hours I’ll be gone again, and who knows when you’ll see me next. You don’t think like that, that’s me.

    That’s me, the girl still awake because I don’t want this day to end. I still hope to hear from you, and if I don’t hear from you today, our conversation really did not matter to you. Yes, this is me, with tears coming out of my eyes that could be because of a guy or just because her eyes are too damn dry from not sleeping.

    We probably won’t happen again. But at least I’ll have this memory. I will go on with my life, and I will live it so big and ambitious. I will give myself the life I deserve, and that is a life without you in it. I am made for so much more then crying over someone like you. Can’t you see that?

    6 June 2025:

    I wrote this part above in (begin) December 2024. Getting over Beer Boy was one of the most exhausting things I ever did in my life, because it was never about him.

    I’ve been through my fair share of life before I met Beer Boy. Long story short, my life has never, not once been easy for me. But somehow I was so emotionally damaged by this relationship. It felt like a gun shot to the soul, it physically hurt me, this stupid Beer Boy, this stupid simple boy quite literally crushed my soul.

    The most frustrating part about this is that he will always think and believe I was just so obsessed with him, that it was all about him. And that will probably feed his ego, a lot. Anyway, it was never about this simple boy. It was always about the complex girl, me.

    He represented everything I was insecure about, he validated every negative belief I’ve had since childhood. He represented my non-existent self-worth, self-love, confidence. I started to believe that situations like these were normal. That how he treated me was normal or there was an explanation that would always lead back to me, I was always the problem.

    And that was right. I was the problem, but not in a self critical way. It wasn’t my fault he treated me the way he did, he is a stupid selfish dumb person. It was my issue that I tolerated it.

    When I started analysing the deeper meaning and backstory of what this relationship represented for me, I started to understand myself and my feelings more. And the more you understand your feelings, the less you will resent yourself for feeling them. And the more you understand yourself, the more you will want to help yourself and take care of yourself.

    Almost three years I spent crashing out about this idiot. Never, ever did I think I would really, actually get over him or the situation. I kind of thought that I would go on with my life but I would always love him in a way and that it would always be a sensitive topic for me. I can tell you now, I am absolutely completely detached from him. And I forgive myself for all of it, for letting it last so long, for letting him back in, for forgiving him, for neglecting myself. I forgive myself for all of it because I understand where I came from, I understand why I felt that way.

    Btw, all that bullshit about ‘you’re only over someone when you have no ill feelings about them or it anymore’, is so not true. Like Taylor Swift herself said: you can move on without forgiving or forgetting. I think that is peak maturity. This idiot did horrible things to me, and while I don’t necessarily wish him anything bad I most certainly don’t wish him the best either! I just don’t care for him anymore.

    Anyway, whoever you are reading this, sometimes you’re so deep in a feeling or so deep in a situation that the light at the end of the tunnel seems like a black hole. I promise you, one day, you will get over it. That is a fact. And you owe it to yourself to stay strong and wait for the moment you start experiencing life without thinking about them. When you start experiencing life with only yourself on your mind and only yourself to really care for, that’s when you start to get it.

    If I got over Beer Boy, you can also get over your person. Just read my first few posts lol.

    Xo skinny legend out

  • My aesthetic? Chaos

    I blame society for my depressive episode.

    Well, not really. I don’t actually blame today’s culture for my depression but I do in a way blame them for everything else.

    You don’t have to be your best, most aesthetic self every day? That’s not what life is about. Life is about still loving, accepting and holding yourself tight when you’re not aesthetically pleasing or your best self.

    Here I am, studying (well, not really) and looking up Greta Louise Tome on Pinterest for motivation on how to be more aesthetically pleasing like her, every day. Fuck that shit. I am 20 years old, the chaos and depressive episodes and the ups and downs and the crying and needing your mom and still feeling alone even though you saw your whole friend group that day IS the aesthetic of my age.

    I want to be my best self, my most authentic and most aesthetically pleasing self because I want to feel good about myself. But right now, striving that makes me feel worse about myself. I’ve become obsessed with working out to look a certain way and cannot start studying until I feel cute or hot and am in a cute little study outfit. You know what, I study best when I am on the verge of a mental breakdown, shaking because I drank 3 coffees on my ADHD medication. That’s when I thrive! And so what! I’ll figure it out, someday when I start my masters or maybe even next year I’ll have an aesthetically pleasing exam season where I feel so perfect and productive and go to bed at 9pm. Btw I have already done this last exam season?! That was my structured, productive and aesthetically pleasing exam season, and yes my grades were amazing but that’s not the point.

    The point is my brother died that exam season. And this exam season is very triggering for me. Because I haven’t been back in this quiet since he died. I haven’t really been alone since he past away. So everything is kind of too much for me right now. I can’t start studying, I’ve become obsessed with working out because it’s the only thing I can manage to do to make me feel a little more productive and a little less worse about myself. And all this Pinterest stuff and TikTok’s about being your best self is just too fucking much right now.

    At this point, being my best self is probably deleting Pinterest and TikTok, not care about aesthetics and just take really good care of myself. By working out (for the right reasons), taking my meds, drinking coffee because it actually does make me feel better, try to not ghost my friends and call my mom everyday.

    Fuck the aesthetics.

    It’s important to romanticise your life, I’m a big fan of that!

    But right now, fuck aesthetics. My brother died. If he came back to life, he would not care about looking good or what outfit to wear or what impression people have of him. He would travel and laugh and eat good food and prank his family and love everything and everyone. He would travel so much, and watch his series and horror movies and he would give everyone life lessons and he would preach about shutting up and not taking everything so seriously. I miss him so much, I still can’t believe he is gone.

    This is not about aesthetics, this is not about if you should or shouldn’t romanticise life. This is about me being uncomfortable. This is about me fearing I am falling back into a depression, this is about me being scared of my depression, this is about me knowing that there is a chance I will have to find my way out if it again. This is me being uncomfortable in my skin at the moment, in my environment, in this moment in my life. This is about comfort, and me not having any at the moment. I feel lost, I feel scared, I feel unmotivated, I feel disappointed and confused and I feel sad and more confused.

    But for now I will keep blaming it on Pinterest and TikTok’s. Because I know that I will and can get through this. I trust myself to take care of me. This is not like last time, I actually care about myself this time. I really love myself and want to take care of how I feel. I will be fine, I just have to keep reminding myself that it always gets better, it gets so much better that you have to work on believing you deserve that much better. What a luxury it is to be confused as to why life is so good and beautiful right now. I only realise that now, that I write this. I was so confused and emotional and anxious about the fact that my life is beautiful and good again. Now I realise what a luxury it is to change your ways and patterns, to get comfortable with the good.

    This will not be the last time I almost get in a depressive episode, there will be times where I feel like this again. And then I will again cut the aesthetics, cut the distractions and go back to the basics. Me, music and a keyboard. As long as I can write, I can be myself. And as long as I can come back to myself I will be just fine.

    One day I won’t be scared of my feelings anymore. One day I won’t be scared of my thoughts and emotions. One day I will trust my brain enough that no matter where my thoughts go, what lengths, I will have comfort in the fact that I’ll be fine and I will find my way back to the light and the comfort that is love.

    I really think my brother is out there guiding me. My guardian angel. I will be fine because he is looking out for me. I trust him.

    Thank you for listing.

    Peace out and see you next time

    xo skinny legend

  • Dear Life: Sometimes I forget to Live You

    Currently, my main goal is to survive the coming two months. I know it is possible because I am in a much better place than I was in the past few years. Mentally, I’m probably the strongest I’ve ever been (except maybe when I was aged 12-18; I was afraid of nothing and everything was afraid of me). Okay, so maybe not the strongest I’ve ever been, but I’m good. I have identified my patterns and know that I really need to take care of myself during exam seasons. I get so existential!

    If you’ve read even one of my blog posts, you know I’m going through it. I do have to say, to interrupt myself, I am doing much better when it comes to Beer Boy! I still think about him daily, check if his ‘do not disturb’ mode is on, see when he was last active on WhatsApp. I still fantasize about him texting me or showing up at my home confessing his love. But I’m doing much better!

    So, I’m going through it, my family is going through it, my friends are also going through it. We’re all going through it, essentially. But how do we manage ourselves and our lives in a positive way when everywhere we turn people are depressed, hopeless, negative, or just going through a horrific period in life?

    I try to be there for everyone in any way that I can. But the last few weeks I found myself getting too sucked into the sadness to the point where I just can’t seem to escape it. Of course, you have to be there for family and friends. Nothing is more important. But I felt myself going back to a scary place, and that’s when the alarm bells rang. So, to repeat the question: How do we manage ourselves and our lives while going through a very complicated, sad time in life?

    I feel incredibly selfish saying this, but I realized I cannot be in hospitals all day, I cannot listen to people cry all day, and I cannot be there for everyone all the time. I go right back into survival mode when I try to do this. I try being the positive in people’s lives, I try bringing a sense of ‘normal’ in abnormal situations. I try listening a lot, I care for people, and I go right into mommy mode. Now, I just try and do it in pieces.

    Lately, I have also been repeating to myself to not take myself so seriously. Just breathe and feel. When I miss Beer Boy, I should just miss him and sit with that feeling. When I am rethinking my entire life because I miss my old friends, I should just go through it. Feel the hurt, the disappointment, the shame, the embarrassment, the absolute tragedy of losing your best friends. I should just damn feel it, let it in.

    I will never feel like I am living my life when I keep shutting out what life is about: feeling, experiencing. Being human is about having emotions, feeling raw; we should all feel our emotions more raw, damnit. Being alive is about the adventure, the adventure of pain, of disappointment, the adventure of love and passion and earth-shattering heartbreak. Life is about feeling your soul being physically ripped in two one day, and seeing the most beautiful sunset ever the next. Life is grieving the most loving, special, most unique human being ever and wondering how you are ever going to live again without them. And then being on the most breathtaking beach ever, feeling one with the ocean, thinking about how grateful you are to celebrate that person’s life, how grateful you are to miss them, and how grateful you are knowing their spirit won’t ever leave you. Life is about crying on the floor, hurting in your lungs, wondering how you are ever getting over this situationship breakup, and then getting up and writing your first blog post. Life is about making a fool out of yourself, then trying to achieve something cool to make up for it. Life is about playing music way too loud in your headphones. Life is messy, life is chaos, life is happiness, life is tragic, life is everything it is not supposed to be and life is more beautiful than we remember.

    Life is remembering what life is about, having it all click at a random moment. Then going back to living as you know it, and forgetting what life is all about.

    It’s our choice though, and I hope I will keep choosing to feel alive.

    My Christmas present to you: make a playlist of the songs that make you feel most vulnerable, songs you usually skip because they make you feel too much. Then go and watch a sunset with that playlist playing. We could all use some remembering what life is about in December. You know, since it’s that damn season.

    Happy living, skinny legend